The Collapse of Civilization As We Know It.

In a state run by right-wing religious zealots, it’s not surprising that a little issue over televised NFL football should work its way all the way up to the Legislature. Ridiculous, but not surprising. Oh, and just in case you’re not from Texas, we’re talking about the Cowboys. The Texans, in spite of their jingoistic moniker, are just another NFL team to us.

See, the problem began when the for-pay NFL Network announced that they would be televising two Dallas Cowboys games exclusively. That means many Texans, like my mama and daddy, can’t sit down together on a Sunday afternoon and watch the ‘Boys. (Which, aside from Church, also on Sunday, is the only OTHER time they sit down together.)

Unless they subscribe to the NFL Channel. Great marketing ploy, right? Not if you’re a hillbilly who likes his football.

I want to reproduce for you here a piece of an article from the Austin American Statesman (potentially the worst daily in the country). Enjoy.

"’Cable companies need to focus on giving their customers what they want, which is football,’ said Sen. Kim Brimer, R-Fort Worth. (ED NOTE: Hunh? Guess that’s why there are 500 channels, cause so many people want their football. And by the way, they can still watch a ton of fucking football games, just NOT the Cowboys vs. The Packers. Oh, and Brimer is a well known dick.)

Brimer and Rep. Corbin Van Arsdale, R-Tomball, warned last week that if the two sides can't huddle up and agree, consumer-oriented legislation could arise in the 2009 session.

They said a possible proposal would, at the least, establish a third-party dispute resolution process on cable programming and authorize the Texas Public Utility Commission to establish additional customer service protections.”

Okay, you have got to be fucking kidding me. The Legislature is considering taking action because of a FOOTBALL GAME! Apparently there is NOTHING else going on in this state that requires legislative attention. Talk about priorities.

Van Arsdale continued:
"I've had a lot more people contact me about NFL football the last two months instead of child protective services, windstorm insurance or worker's compensation, which are frankly more important issues," he said. "I don't control what constituents call me about."

Ahhh, yes. Those constituents. And what exactly does a Tomball constituent look like? Having grown up in the “other” Boll town, Diboll, I have a pretty good idea. And this is my other brother Daryl.

Maybe, just maybe, Rep. Van Arsehole, we should divert some of the time and $$$ to education. Then your redneck constituency might not have so many misspellings in their letters to you. And maybe, just maybe, they might actually be interested in those other hot-button issues you champion.

Call it a hunch, but I’m betting the majority of your voters couldn’t talk for 10 seconds about any of those issues you mentioned. Don’t know, don’t care. But if you want their football, you’ll have to pry that remote from their cold dead hands.

I know I’ve said it before, but it’s not a bad concept.