I Think She Forgot What the "i" Stands For

Amanda Fortini hates her iPhone.

WTF, you ask? Who is Amanda Fortini and why should we give a shit about her iRage? Well, she is a writer for salon.com. And quite frankly, we shouldn’t give a shit about her. Or her phone.

Normally, I take this sort of thing in stride. It’s part of my world. We’re not all supposed to like every product. Sure, manufacturers would love it if we did, but that’s why there is so much money spent on demographic research. That way, marketers can hopefully exploit the perfect product with the perfectly receptive audience.

But in this case, it sounds like Missy Fortini is one of those Americans who likes to foist their own shortcomings onto the gadget nearest her. She describes herself as “clumsy, scatterbrained and accident-prone.” And her iPhone as “evil” and ruining her life.

Yes, it is her iPhone’s fault—or rather her FOUR iPhone’s fault. That’s right. The iPhone has only been in existence a couple of years and she’s already on her fourth one.

“My starter phone lasted for a little more than a year, until the battery got old and the phone, which had never behaved well, really began to act up. The next one wasn't around long: I dropped it; it shattered. My third, a fussbudget sort, got a little bit damp and refused to work. Now, I am on my fourth iPhone, whose screen cracked weeks ago, and which plagues me daily with its many bugs and quirks and connectivity issues.”

“I dropped it; it shattered” and I swept it under the rug. When her phone got “a little bit damp” it became a “fussbudget.” Uh, it “got” wet. Just happened to “get wet.” Love the passivity. Hey lady, EVERYONE knows that you don’t get your phone wet. I sent my Motorola through the spin cycle once and I didn’t complain that it couldn’t take a little “clean-up.”

And then the “cracked screen.” And now it's full of "bugs." They probably got in through the cracked screen.

Oh, Amanda, I’m thinking this is more “user-error” than evildoer Apple. And why the fuck have you bought FOUR of something you hate that is ruining your life. I’m thinking your problems run a little deeper than you imagine. Maybe you should quit trying to use the Genius Bar for therapy.

Oh! Oh! And in her attempt to foment the revolution, she also published this bit of free verse from an anonymous poster (‘cause posts are REALLY where I get my accurate data):

my iPhone is a piece of shit

fuck this fucking piece of shit

it can suck my dick

twice

Now I have a whole ‘nother bone to pick. Isn’t getting your dick sucked, even once, supposed to be a pleasurable experience? Isn’t the number one complaint of heterosexual guys that their girls won’t give them that brand of love? Maybe it’s because you’ve turned it into punishment for being on your bad side.

My guess is that the poster hasn’t ever had his dick sucked.