A Week's Worth of Stupid!

My goodness. I go away for a few days and all hell breaks loose. It’s like the Stupid People went on a full-out offensive. Senators, Beauty Queens, Bush Administration officials . . . all the usual suspects. Anyhoo, good to be back on the blog. Hold on tight, here we go.

Is Mother Nature Lactose Intolerant?

Okay, there were two things in the news today that just rubbed me the wrong way (Yes, there IS a wrong way). Two completely different stories about completely different things, but in both cases, the person anthropomorphized nature. This is an extremely common occurrence, as evidenced by the naming of our tropical storms and hurricanes, but I somehow feel like it contributes to a victim mentality, as if somehow nature has targeted us (which, if you think about it, is a pretty scary “payback” scenario, given the way we treat nature).

The first comment was the mildest, a Wisconsin official, commenting on the devastating flooding (and really, is there any other kind?) said “Mother Nature has been really cruel to our state the last four or five days.” Really? To YOUR state? Well maybe Mother Nature hates cheese. Or the Packers. Or people who sound like they’re from Canada.

It’s NATURE, dumbass. It rains too much, the banks overflow, it floods. Nothing new. They even talk about it in the Bible, remember. So, maybe it’s God being cruel to your state. Did you ever think about that? Maybe God hates cheese. Or maybe he just hates those cheese curd thingys you sell in your airports.

The second big ‘morph was from Bob Murphy, CEO of Murphy Energy. Not ringing a bell? He’s the owner of the coal mine in Utah that collapsed. Remember? There was a “seismic incident” which caused the tunnel to collapse on the miners, who are now presumed dead and buried? Interesting thing about that—there is no record of there being any seismic activity in the area when it collapsed.

Ooops.

Now Mr. Murphy (whose grief seems completely legitimate) has filed papers to close and seal the mine permanently.

And then he said . . . wait for it . . . “I will never come back to that evil mountain.” WTF?!?!?!?!

Yep. That thar mountain is EVIL! Collapsing on those poor innocent coal miners who were just in there risking their lives so that Mr. Murphy can afford his yacht payments. Yep. Evil, I say.

Of course, drilling a coal mine into a mountain comes with certain risks, not the least of which is having to listen to incessant canary singing, but to think that the mountain did this TO you, and out of malice at that . . .jeez. I just can’t even begin to say how stupid I think you are.

I'm surprised he hasn't tried to blame it on terrorists. After all, there was that whole “mountain and Mohammed” thing.

Without Terrorists, There Would Be No Bush

Think about that. If Al Qaeda or Osama (Or Karl Rove or Dick Cheney) hadn’t masterminded that attack on September 11th, George W. Bush wouldn’t have stood a chance in hell at winning a second term.

So I guess it’s no wonder that “terrorists,” or “terrists” as he pronounces it, is perhaps the most commonly trotted out word in Bush’s public vocabulary. (His private vocabulary consists of the phrases, “I’m not drinkin’, it’s just beer,” “Huh?” “I’m ‘onna nickname yew,” and “Where’d Laura go?”)

Seriously, though, didn’t the man read “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.” I mean, this is a man who reads children’s books in public. Surely to Pete he’s read that one.

But the evidence suggests quite the contrary. W trots out the word “terrorist” or some derivation thereof more often than Britney goes without panties. In other words, pretty much daily.

I for one, am feeling “terror fatigue.” And I can’t help but wonder if there aren’t OTHER important issues going on in our country. The economy, education, poverty, homelessness, health care. And that’s just off the top of my head.

I don’t want terrorists attacking us anymore than the next guy, but you know, we’ve only been attacked ONCE. Other countries live under a constant threat of attack, and they seem to manage getting through the day without their leaders crying “the sky is falling” every time someone wants to talk about something other than terror.

My other gigantic fear is that lots of ultraconservative pet projects are being pushed through the government while we’re all distracted by Georgie’s “look! A terrorist” rhetoric. Of course now, almost 7 years into the Bush presidency, it’s probably too late to do anything about it.

But let’s not make the same mistake next year. Repeat after me: “If we elect another Republican, the terrorists win.”

End Scene. Please.

Okay, I’ve never been a big fan of actors who become politicians. Mostly because I have spent an enormous chunk of my adult life working with both species. Cross pollenation ain’t pretty.

Fred Thompson, that likable lug from Law and Order, fond of the stern father roles, has apparently decided to audition for the biggest stern father role yet—POTUS. And Republican polling numbers suggest he could be the nominee. Which is where the nightmare begins for us rational folk.

See, apparently the Republicans have some sort of Reagan-hangover. They talk about him as if he were a demigod. And they see Thompson as a Robo-Reagan: MORE conservative. MORE eloquent. With a MORE anorexic wife (actually I’ve never seen a pic of his wife, but those Republicans like their ladies rail thin. How else to explain Ann Coulter as a sex symbol. Blech.)

I, however, didn’t quite realize what a FUCKING NAZI this guy is. Check out some of these positions and quotes from his CNN interview last week.

Would work to overturn Roe v. Wade if elected president, saying the U.S. Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion “was bad law and bad medicine.” Bad medicine? What is this, the old west? And did I miss something? Are you doctor? Or maybe you just played one on TV.

Would push for a constitutional amendment that protects states from being forced to honor gay marriages performed in other states. “I don’t think that one state ought to be able to pass a law requiring gay marriage or allowing gay marriage and have another state be required to follow along.”
Except for that whole “reciprocity” thing that comes with being “united” states. Apparently, the former Senator hasn’t been briefed on the concept of legal precedent. And also, "REQUIRING gay marriage." That's pretty effin' hilarious.

You know, if you work in the entertainment industry and you’re homophobic, then you are SERIOUSLY homophobic. In that industry, gay folk are everywhere, so you can’t really keep the stereotype running in your mind. And do we really want ANOTHER President who refuses to change his opinions, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary?

On Iraq: “We need to make every effort to make sure that we don’t get run out of there with our tail between our legs before we’ve done the job of securing that place.” And while he refused to discuss a timeline, he did say something about a planned ice rink in Hell.

You would think that, with all the backlash being heaped on the Bush presidency, the Republicans would have figured out they need a LESS conservative candidate, not some puppet of the American Jihad. But with the cast of White Guys running, and a very good chance that the Democratic nominee will be either a woman or an African American, it would be nice to have a clear difference between the candidates.

But given that I write about stupid people every day, it wouldn’t surprise me to see George handing the keys to Fred. Hey, somebody elected him a U.S. Senator.

Dude, I Said Get Me a BEER!

From our International Desk:

A 23 year old Serb was found naked, dead and half-eaten in the bear enclosure of the Belgrade Zoo. His clothes were found neatly folded in a corner of the cage, which we’re pretty sure means he entered the enclosure of his own volition, given that bears are well-known to be light-housework-averse.

Oh, did I mention that this weekend was the annual beer festival?

"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," said zoo director Vuk Bojovic. File that under, “ya think?”

It’s the naked part I can’t understand, though. Was the guy hot for one of the bears? Did the other bear suddenly wake up and attack in a jealous rage? “I thought you said he was hibernating,” said the human, before screaming like a nine year old girl at a Zac Efron concert.

There’s such a fine line between a stupid drunk and a dead one.

Birthday Wishes Especial

My beloved is one step closer to manopause today. “Lordy, he’s forty,” as we say in the south. Clever, huh? Almost as clever as the AARP jokes that were flying all weekend.

You Are Not Karl Rove

Thanks to my pal AMYZL for forwarding this article to me. I think it' s a lovely sentiment to end the week.

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2007/08/17/notes081707.DTL&nl=fix

enjoy.